HELEN W. (2006)

(v1)
The band was really noisy, it was getting pretty late
She said her name was “Helen” when I asked her for a date
She said I couldn’t handle her, ’cause “Wheels” was her last name
But ever since we met, my life just hasn’t been the same

(v2)
Her jacket was black leather, she was slamming back the booze
Her breasts were full and bounteous, and showed off her tattoos
Her hair was of a color that was not approved by God
And she vanished in the night on an extremely bitching rod

(annoying refrain)
Help me find the woman who’s Helen Wheels
When I think about her, my spirit reels
It makes a man appreciate just what a name reveals
Looking for a woman who’s Helen Wheels

(bridge)
I’ve had women
Heaven knows I love ’em
But other women
Are a dime a dozen
I’ve checked online directories
And nowhere do I find
The angel of my dreams
Who has usurped my mind

(v3)

So, friend, if you find Helen while you’re traveling around
Here’s the MySpace URL where I am found
Here’s my cell phone number, here’s my home address
I’ve met the perfect woman, and won’t settle for less

(repeat refrain a few more times)